My Dad Taught Me These Things....

I wrote this for Father's Day this year, but wanted to revisit it due to a recent article I read about Mothers keeping the children from their Fathers. That was not my experience. Though my parents were divorced my mother never attempted to keep us from our father. The insight she shared with me as a teenager was that she wanted us to develop our own idea of who he is without her, and it did happen. Over the years I had a myriad of ideas about who he was, but none colored by her feelings.

For those Mothers who are keeping their children from Fathers who are not a danger to the children or yourself, chronic felons, drug users, or just nutty; know that your children do not belong to you. Children are not pawns in your game, a means to get back at someone, or your access to money. Your relationship with and to their Father should be exclusively betweent the two of you. With that said, I got the chance to get my Dad's view of more than 30 years without his wife and children. And these are some of the things my Dad taught me. 

Two years removed from the death of my father, he remains with me in ways of which I am conscious and unconscious. He is definitely with me when I meet new people, the usual question that comes up is, "How tall are you?" At six feet tall, I rarely can escape that question at some point, especially because I often choose to wear heals. My father was 6'6" and carried it with pride, a gentle giant. In his life and the things he said or did not say, I have been taught about Life, love, spirituality, family, friends, and even cooking! As I reflect on this Father's Day these are a few of the things I have been taught:

1) You're going to make mistakes, it's whether you let them define you that makes a difference. Dad lived his life the way he knew how. And he admittedly made mistakes. Some, he allowed to stop him from having what he truly wanted, his family together, the wife, the kids, and his art. For that, he shared, he spent time ashamed of his choices. Being ashamed of his choices had come to define a large part of his life. I learned that I make the choices I make and they will either work out or not, but learning from them and moving on provides a life lesson.

2) Love is a gift, always a gift. You have the choice to accept or not "I" had a love/hate relationship wth my father. Notice I said "I". My parents divorced when I was 6, however, he left 4 years prior. And because of that I thought he did not love me, left me, and was out having fun without his family. No matter what he did it never looked like love, not clearly. To me, it was out of obligation, if anything. As an adult, I began to let the guards down and let in tha the might love me.

We had a few poinient conversations, but I remember one in particular. It was during a time we were back and forth in our relationship. A sentence of background: I am the youngest of four children, 3 girls and a boy. So, he shared with me that when my siblings were born he did not get to hold them, first. But when I was born, the doctor got ready to hand me to my mother and he said, "No, no! She got to hold the rest of them first give her to me". He said he was so overjoyed to see me and hold me he could not speak. In that moment, I was aware of another side of him that I did not know. He had always loved me, his love is a gift, that I had just not accepted. Our relationship flourished and at the end of his life we were closer than ever, because I accepted who he had always wanted to be for me and the love he was giving.

3) Stay in the inquiry of Life. More spiritual than religious, my Dad was always questioning life, God, what is, what is not, looking into alternative medicines, and open to conversations that would further his knowledge. I admire him for being a man who stood for his life being created by him, not in the confines of what others thought. We talked about God, religion, healing, and the power of the mind. He shared with me that he always wanted his children to be seekers, not sitters. Not going to church for the sake of it, but looking into what they are being taught, questioning, and going deeper than the average person. It is a pleasure to know that his dream is alive in me. I stay in the inquiry of life and the spirit daily. It may not look like others think it "should", yet it is perfect for me. Thank goodness for a father who encouraged individuality.

Last, but not least 4) Live. It sounds simple. Just live. I know that he had his own struggles, hurts, regrets, and dreams. Most of all, what I learned from him is to just live. Live each day, each moment, and be present with it. At the age of 70, my father was in the hospital with bladder cancer, we laughed, laughed, laughed. He was grumpy, cussing at the nurses when they did not answer his questions right or had him sitting around for "no reason", or making fun of the fact that hospital beds do not accommodate 6'6" frames, and we still laughed. He was a gentle giant, and they understood that he meant no harm. No matter what was going on, we seemed to find a moment to laugh. That is life for me. I love to laugh. Both of my parents loved to laugh. Dad had a husky, loud, laugh that was truly from the heart. He lived life.

Yes, there are more things I learned from John Gaskins and they will be revealed at different times, when I need them most. Most of all, I learned that Fathers are just men, not super men. Men that live life, make choices, make mistakes, laugh, love, hurt, cry, and want the best for themselves and their family - just like women. I honor my Dad for just being a man, nothing more, nothing less, just a man who lived his life the best way he knew. And I will forever love him in all his humanity.