A Father's Day Message: For My Son

Earlier this year I wrote and posted this to Facebook:

With the impending Father's Day weekend, I thought about my son. And in thinking about him, it seemed relevant to consider my actions that support him in being a father of merit, honor, and substance. Please know that this is aimed at Mothers, Fathers, and those involved in the Lives of our young boys/men.

Really quick, if you do not know me, I adopted my son when he was three. Yes, I said, "I". It was a choice I made to become a single parent to this little boy. From the first time I saw him, I could not get him out of my mind. He was in a foster home which I visited, as social worker, on a monthly basis. Whenever I went to the home he would be so happy, but the opposite could be said when I would leave. At one point, his Grandma would have to pick him up so I could leave or he would block the door (he was 1 at the time). Eventually, I chose to take the steps to be responsible for his Life, forever. With that said, I knew that it was not going to be an easy task, so I looked for men who could support both me and him.

As a single mother, it is my job not to "baby" him, but instill in him values that will support him in being productive. At the age of 7, he asked me, "What does it take to be a man?" I am thankful that there is nothing in me that believes that I know what it is like to be a man. I responded by telling him that I do not know what it is like to be a man, gave him "my" thoughts, but told him to address that with my, then, boyfriend. This leads me to share with the single Mom's rearing boys: They are not our trophies, nor tools to be used against their father's to "get" something. Instead, they have been entrusted to us to mold into productive citizens. When their Life becomes an aside to what you want or can get their future is in jeopardy. What you sow into his heart, mind, being, and daily living will manifest. What are you sowing?

I chose to have him take on being responsible for what he could as early as possible for two reasons: 1) I'm not trying to be SuperMom and 2) build character and responsibility. My friends who have children his age, especially boys, are surprised at the things he does. I'm guessing because they never thought of it or as one of them said, "I don't trust him to do that!" Well, that is another Oprah Show or Sidney Note. Jamil has been sorting his clothes since 5, putting them in the wash since 6, and totally washing on his own since 7. He loads and unloads the dish washer, puts up groceries, cleans a mean bathroom, vacuums, sweeps, and mops. As the ability to be home by himself, if necessary. The Boy can cook a mean pot of Ramen noodles and add some fixins if need be, reads the back of a box to warm or cook things up, and calls when "somethin' just ain't right". It is not my intention to have a paralyzed grown man running around in society, not if I can help it. It takes starting young to develop a Man, it is a challenge to begin at 15.

From the day Jamil came to live with me I was on pins and needles. I want so much for him. I spend time thinking about "what's next?" for him to get where he wants to go. And I listed to my male friends to get their take on situations, how I can better be a Mother to this little guy, and gather their wisdom. If it were not for other men like Charles Collins (his Godfather), James Gray (my ex), Jerrald Gaskins (my brother), Lance Montford (my cousin), William Dallas (great friend), and Arneil Seedarnee (brother from another mother) I can only imagine where he and I would be. There are tons of men that I watch and take notes from to implement with Jamil. More likely than not, if you are tagged in this Note, I take a look at your actions vicariously and you contribute to how I am with him. Jamil is lucky, he has a host of people praying for, supporting, and interested in him becoming a man of substance. As his Mother I choose to open up the World to him giving him simple wisdom, sharing my challenges and triumphs, having conversations that make a difference for his Life, and listening to his dreams.

In my relationship with men, I've learned that it is my responsibility to model good choices in men who would be around him. And that he sees how a woman carries herself. For him to see arguing, fussing and foolishness contributes to what he thinks a relationship is about. You bring "Dude" around then, your son will emulate "Dude", bring "My Dawg" around you will see "My Dawg" in him, if you choose "A Gentleman" to be a part of your Life you will see "A Gentleman" emerge. It is that simple. You do reap what you sow.

My simple wisdom for him to be a man of substance:

- be aware of your actions and how they effect you and those around you.

- don't be ashamed to show emotions

- eat healthy!

- manners matter

- use your brain, reasoning is a great thing

- hygiene, you don't wanna be the stinky kid!

- looks do matter, a first impression says a lot

- live your dreams, they are yours

- you can own it if you want it

- never fear asking questions

- have a system for doing things, makes it easier

- never be around a girl who argues all the time and won't shut up - she'll cause you too much stress! (he got that!)

These are ones he remembered, I just asked him:

- have a clean house

- do your best in school so you don't have to drop out

- don't lie - it gets you into big trouble! (YAY! Now let's put it into practice!)

My simple wisdom for him has come from Life, but mostly a desire to celebrate him being a great man. If the only thing I ever contribute to this World is a Man of substance, merit, and honor, I will consider that to be a legacy worthy of my Life. He is not "mine", who he is contributes to the World.

I’m Not Judging, I’m Just Saying: Girl Please!

Last night I took the time to view 48 Hours on CBS. Let me start with this: I do not know the Anthony Family, was not around when Caylee was killed, and do not know who killed her. All that I have to say is straight forward, unadulterated, and purely my observations of one thing: 30 days without contact with a 3 year old. I have one thing to say to Casey Anthony, to not tell anyone your child is missing for 30 days…. GIRL PLEASE!

A childhood friend of mine commented on my Facebook post of information referring to this case. My comment is what the impetus for this posting:

I don't know if she did it or not, no one does except her and God. What I can say is that it all looks fiiiishy. You and I know that if our children are gone past the time we tell them to be home we are off the looking for them. The emotions you go through are usually as follows: 1) anger, "you should be home when you were told", 2) concern, "where... Read More is 'x'?" "did something happen? and then, 3) anxiety/panic, after 10-15 minutes and them not appearing you begin going into the worst place you can think. How could this Mom not call the police? Her mother had to cal AFTER 30 days. I SMELL AN OCEAN LINER FULL OF ROTTEN FISH!!

As the parent of a ten year old boy, I find it hard to allow him to run the neighborhood without knowing where he his going, with whom he will be playing, and when he will return. I remember one day, last year, in which he left the obligatory “within ear shot” range, had gone with friends to another street in the subdivision, and I just about lost it. I bought him a watch so he could come home at the appropriate time to check in. By the time I had to come out of the house, he was past that time, coupled with the fact that he was not in “ear shot” of me yelling for him, you have the perfect storm for my mind to run wild. Stepping off of the front porch, I took a breathe, attempted to gather my thoughts about where he might be, with whom may have been, and then, began my search. An avalanche of thoughts hit me at one point: what did he have one from head to toe? Where did he say he was going? What is the most likely place he could have been? After looking for him for all of 2-3 minutes I returned to the house and about 30 seconds after I got in, he bounced into the house. Relieved, I found myself overcome by anger, frustration, and anxiety because he had no idea how worried I had become in the matter of 10-15 minutes.

For the parent of a 3 year old to wait 30 days seems to be so out of line it boggles my mind. My son was playing with friends in our neighborhood and did not report in on time and I almost had a coronary. I did not go back in the house to call friends and plan a night out. Why? Motherly instinct kicked in and my worry about his well-being would not let me do anything but be concerned for him. How you have a 3 year old child missing for more than 5 minutes and not go into panic is beyond me. How you have a 3 year old missing for 12 minutes and not call authorities, is beyond me. How you have a 3 year old “held” by a nanny, and not call authorities is beyond me? And how you are not the person who calls the authorities about your missing child is a smelly situation all together. George and Cindy Anthony, Casey’s parents, have some soul searching to do. There is no place in my mind that I can go which would allow me to make excuses for a child of mine to go 30 days without knowing the location their child. It is not normal.

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children has been in the business of looking for children for 25 years. On their website, they have resources for parents and guardians which in includes what to do if your child is missing. Not surprising to this writer, is that the following is prominent on the page telling people what to do if their child is missing. You might be surprised and surely Casey would be to, but here it is: “ACT IMMEDIATELY if you believe that your child is missing.”  Each day an average of 2,185 children are reported missing which equates to 797,500 children under the age of 18 per year. The Statistics break down like this according to the US Deartment of Justice in 2002:

• 797,500 children (younger than 18) were reported missing in a one-year period of time studied resulting in an average of 2,185 children being reported missing each day.
• 203,900 children were the victims of family abductions.
• 58,200 children were the victims of non-family abductions.
• 115 children were the victims of “stereotypical” kidnapping. (These crimes involve someone the child does not know or someone of slight acquaintance, who holds the child overnight, transports the child 50 miles or more, kills the child, demands ransom, or intends to keep the child permanently.)

[Andrea J. Sedlak, David Finkelhor, Heather Hammer, and Dana J. Schultz. U.S. Department of Justice. "National Estimates of Missing Children: An Overview" in National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway, and Thrownaway Children. Washington, DC: Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice, October 2002, page 5.]

 In this information age, there is no reason for inaction on the part of any person charged with the care of a child. Just in case, there is someone who does not have information on what to do I would be derelict in my duty as a parent and child advocate, if I did not share the following information:

What to Do:

• If your child is missing from home, search the house checking closets, piles of laundry, in and under beds, inside large appliances, and inside vehicles, including trunks—wherever a child may crawl or hide.

• If you still cannot find your child, immediately call your local law enforcement agency.

• If your child disappears in a store, notify the store manager or security office. Then immediately call your local law-enforcement agency. Many stores have a Code Adam plan of action— if a child is missing in the store, employees immediately mobilize to look for the missing child.

• When you call law enforcement, provide your child's name, date of birth, height, weight, and any other unique identifiers such as eyeglasses and braces. Tell them when you noticed that your child was missing and what clothing he or she was wearing.

• Request that your child's name and identifying information be immediately entered into the National Crime Information Center (NCIC) Missing Person File.

• After you have reported your child missing to law enforcement, call the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children on our toll-free telephone number: 1-800-THE-LOST (1-800-843-5678). Or you can use our Live Hotline to talk to NCMEC through our web site.

Adapted from Just in Case...Missing. Copyright© 1985 National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC). All rights reserved.

Children are the most defenseless beings on the face of this earth, which is my opinion. As an adoptive parent, former social worker, and advocate for children this case begs the question, “Who is caring for the least of them?” In the case of Caylee Anthony, from my view, it was not her mother. With all the excuses and stories she has told, all I can say to her is “Girl please!”

Find Your Groove and Stick with It!

Sometimes your biggest weakness can become your biggest strength. Take, for example, the story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.

The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.

"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?"

"This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied. Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.

Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.

This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.

"No," the sensei insisted, "Let him continue."

Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion.

On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.

"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?"

"You won for two reasons," the sensei answered.

"First, you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm."

The boy's biggest weakness had become his biggest strength.

(from)Bits & Pieces
August 15, 1996
Economic Press, Inc.