Earlier this year I wrote and posted this to
Facebook:
With the impending Father's Day weekend, I thought about my son. And in thinking about him, it seemed relevant to consider my actions that support him in being a father of merit, honor, and substance. Please know that this is aimed at Mothers, Fathers, and those involved in the Lives of our young boys/men.
Really quick, if you do not know me, I adopted my son when he was three. Yes, I said, "I". It was a choice I made to become a single parent to this little boy. From the first time I saw him, I could not get him out of my mind. He was in a foster home which I visited, as social worker, on a monthly basis. Whenever I went to the home he would be so happy, but the opposite could be said when I would leave. At one point, his Grandma would have to pick him up so I could leave or he would block the door (he was 1 at the time). Eventually, I chose to take the steps to be responsible for his Life, forever. With that said, I knew that it was not going to be an easy task, so I looked for men who could support both me and him.
As a single mother, it is my job not to "baby" him, but instill in him values that will support him in being productive. At the age of 7, he asked me, "What does it take to be a man?" I am thankful that there is nothing in me that believes that I know what it is like to be a man. I responded by telling him that I do not know what it is like to be a man, gave him "my" thoughts, but told him to address that with my, then, boyfriend. This leads me to share with the single Mom's rearing boys: They are not our trophies, nor tools to be used against their father's to "get" something. Instead, they have been entrusted to us to mold into productive citizens. When their Life becomes an aside to what you want or can get their future is in jeopardy. What you sow into his heart, mind, being, and daily living will manifest. What are you sowing?
I chose to have him take on being responsible for what he could as early as possible for two reasons: 1) I'm not trying to be SuperMom and 2) build character and responsibility. My friends who have children his age, especially boys, are surprised at the things he does. I'm guessing because they never thought of it or as one of them said, "I don't trust him to do that!" Well, that is another Oprah Show or Sidney Note. Jamil has been sorting his clothes since 5, putting them in the wash since 6, and totally washing on his own since 7. He loads and unloads the dish washer, puts up groceries, cleans a mean bathroom, vacuums, sweeps, and mops. As the ability to be home by himself, if necessary. The Boy can cook a mean pot of Ramen noodles and add some fixins if need be, reads the back of a box to warm or cook things up, and calls when "somethin' just ain't right". It is not my intention to have a paralyzed grown man running around in society, not if I can help it. It takes starting young to develop a Man, it is a challenge to begin at 15.
From the day Jamil came to live with me I was on pins and needles. I want so much for him. I spend time thinking about "what's next?" for him to get where he wants to go. And I listed to my male friends to get their take on situations, how I can better be a Mother to this little guy, and gather their wisdom. If it were not for other men like Charles Collins (his Godfather), James Gray (my ex), Jerrald Gaskins (my brother), Lance Montford (my cousin), William Dallas (great friend), and Arneil Seedarnee (brother from another mother) I can only imagine where he and I would be. There are tons of men that I watch and take notes from to implement with Jamil. More likely than not, if you are tagged in this Note, I take a look at your actions vicariously and you contribute to how I am with him. Jamil is lucky, he has a host of people praying for, supporting, and interested in him becoming a man of substance. As his Mother I choose to open up the World to him giving him simple wisdom, sharing my challenges and triumphs, having conversations that make a difference for his Life, and listening to his dreams.
In my relationship with men, I've learned that it is my responsibility to model good choices in men who would be around him. And that he sees how a woman carries herself. For him to see arguing, fussing and foolishness contributes to what he thinks a relationship is about. You bring "Dude" around then, your son will emulate "Dude", bring "My Dawg" around you will see "My Dawg" in him, if you choose "A Gentleman" to be a part of your Life you will see "A Gentleman" emerge. It is that simple. You do reap what you sow.
My simple wisdom for him to be a man of substance:
- be aware of your actions and how they effect you and those around you.
- don't be ashamed to show emotions
- eat healthy!
- manners matter
- use your brain, reasoning is a great thing
- hygiene, you don't wanna be the stinky kid!
- looks do matter, a first impression says a lot
- live your dreams, they are yours
- you can own it if you want it
- never fear asking questions
- have a system for doing things, makes it easier
- never be around a girl who argues all the time and won't shut up - she'll cause you too much stress! (he got that!)
These are ones he remembered, I just asked him:
- have a clean house
- do your best in school so you don't have to drop out
- don't lie - it gets you into big trouble! (YAY! Now let's put it into practice!)
My simple wisdom for him has come from Life, but mostly a desire to celebrate him being a great man. If the only thing I ever contribute to this World is a Man of substance, merit, and honor, I will consider that to be a legacy worthy of my Life. He is not "mine", who he is contributes to the World.
